a-levels in 17 days & me tweaking

 

Who Am I When No One’s Controlling Me Anymore

Inspired by a youtube video i just watched (shoutout to leon — i owe you one for real), and the fact that a-levels are now literally 17 days away, i’ve been in a bit of a spiral. or maybe a rebirth? or both?

today i studied for 9 hours. nine. hours. that’s not nothing. and i’m hoping for more tomorrow. but here’s the thing: the only reason that kind of energy exists in me now is because i’ve been at war with myself for years. leon talks in his video about the different parts of ourselves that live side by side - sometimes peacefully, but often like enemies in a cramped apartment. and we tend to try and silence the parts we don’t like, the ones that embarrass us or that we feel ashamed of. but they’re still us.

that got me thinking. like, really thinking. who am i in all this?

my procrastinator side? she’s loud. she’s stubborn. and honestly, i think she was born as a rebellion. growing up in a conservative, traditional home with three older brothers, there were a lot of rules. rules that felt designed to shrink me. “don’t sit like that, it’s not ladylike.” “you can’t go to the movies, it’s all boys.” “you’re not allowed a sleepover — you’re a girl.” (can you believe my first ever sleepover was at 16) Granted, it was superficially out of protection (thanks mom for protecting me from any unfortunate circumstances) but that doesn't reduce the pain and injustice I felt, for me growing up as little child and being the only one treated differently, it hurt, to me it wasn’t just about protection - it felt like control and somewhere in all that, this part of me formed: the “nuh uh” part. the one that refused to do things just because she was told to. she’s not lazy. she’s just resisting. she was me saying “you don’t own me” in the only way i could at the time — by choosing not to follow the plan.

and then... there’s this new version of me the sudden energiser., Idon’t fully know her yet. she’s like a last-minute hero in the final chapter of a book. she didn’t grow slowly - she showed up and now refuses to leave my house. she emerged probably cause, for the first time since I was maybe 12, i’m faced with a decision that could actually change my life. and it’s all on me. not my parents, not the culture, not the rules. me.

that’s terrifying. but also? kind of freeing or many its just cause its 17 days till a-levels i'm going through a breakdown...breakthrough?

the procrastinator in me had free reign for years, dancing around responsibility like it was a fire she didn’t want to touch.(ok i admit i couldnt find a good analogy and used chatgpt for that...sue me!) but now? now the fire’s chasing me. and for once, i’m running toward it instead of away. it feels like a well needed sense of  urgency, “you better do this now or you’ll regret it forever” kind of energy. i don’t know how long she’ll stay, this new side of me. but i hope she sticks around, especially since uni is around the corner (yikes...) or maybe, just maybe, we all learn to live together — the rebel, the runner, and the girl who just wants to make it.

because honestly? i’m tired of being at war with myself, actually who even am I? Truly.

Anyways, this was not meant to be my first blog but meh and um since im new to this whole concept I think I'm supposed to actively and directly engage with the readers now so uh.

Do you ever feel like you’re fighting yourself? And if so which version of you shows up when no one’s watching? 

-04.05.2025, 11:04 PM